This One’s For You, Grandpa.

As an adult, I’ve come to learn that the holidays can be a dual experience of two emotions – joy and sadness. We may find comfort and joy in our holiday traditions old and new, from enjoying the same meal on Christmas Eve to cutting down a fresh tree. But there can also be sadness, sometimes profound for a myriad of reasons—the loss of a loved one, health struggles, loneliness, holiday pressures or financial stressors.

Last Friday night I scrapped ordering Christmas cards, decorating our tree or going Christmas shopping. Instead, I did a much-needed fire drill with a couple of pals and our daughters and headed down to the new and very impressive Topgolf in Cranston. I’d like to think I am generally athletic, but golf has never really been on my list with the exception of many rounds of mini golf over the years and a week of private lessons when I was about 12.

My mom married my stepfather Doug when I was 11 and I think he may have held a record at some point at his course for the most rounds of golf. He did a lot of business on the course and was a success story following a very difficult upbringing. He shared eating mustard sandwiches as a child and recounted most Christmases without gifts, with the exception of a prized Flexible Flyer which he still had.

It was a really tough time for me when he married my Mom as I only thought of him as someone who was replacing my Dad. I remember my Nana trying to comfort me as I sobbed with my head in her lap during their wedding. Not exactly a blissful family picture.

Doug thought it would be great sometime thereafter for me to take up the game he loved so much. I was a few years into playing softball and despite being a lefty hitter, he got me a set of right-handed clubs and assured me there weren’t too many great lefty golfers. As you can imagine trying to hit a golf ball as a lefty with a right-handed club is like trying to compose a letter with the opposite hand. Apart from that the golf pro suggested quitting softball as it was “ruining my golf swing.” The rest is history as they say and I went on to play softball into my 20s.

I was thinking of Grandpa (as he affectionately became) much of the ride down to Topgolf. I shared that story with everyone and we had a good laugh. I’ve continued to think so much about him over the last week. The man who could never replace my dad but loved me like his own and was one of my biggest fans. When I became a mom, his love for my children was everything I could’ve hoped for, watching countless episodes of Curious George and Thomas the Train. Any rules for his immaculate car went out the window with frequent visits to Newport Creamery for a couple of hotdogs. And I can still hear him bellow, “Brynnie Brynn Brynn” as she climbed up and over his recliner to snuggle into his lap.

As he did for me, he would have loved watching them grow and cheering them on from the sidelines. He passed in the early hours on October 28th 2012, one day after Aidan‘s 6th birthday. I believe he held on so we would not have the dual experience of joy and sadness on Aidan’s birthday. Sadly, Maeve was just three months old.

To all those who have loved and lost, or may be reflecting on your own uncertainty of time this season, I hope you find peace and comfort in memories of old.

It was a draw to the right, but this one’s for you Grandpa.

Fighting with gratitude,

Amy